Tragedy struck last week around the Mindwafers HQ, as Big Sus was rushed to the hospital after ingesting three consecutive jalapeno-swiss-bacon-ranch-chicken tender burgers. Hospital administration has only been able to tell us that Sus' heart was screaming the word "stop" repeatedly while Sus grasped for a leftover piece of bun that had fallen out of his pocket. As a result, Sus' cousin, Trask Batchelder, will take over today's duties. Batchelder is considered a child prodigy in the area of chain restaurants, as he can recite every chain restaurant founder's name, year of opening and the kind of silverware they use off the top of his head. Keep in mind, he's only 12 years old!
(1) Yardhouse
Gosh it's nice to be here on the internets, writing for these Mindwafers fellas, I appreciate the opportunity to lay down some of my snacktoids on all the nice people. First off, we turn to one of my underrated favorites, The Yardhouse. A little known fact about this restaurant is that it's not a yard, nor a house. It's actually a restaurant! Why would they call themselves the Yardhouse anyway? That's like naming your band The Beatles when you're really just a bunch of guys with instruments, not actual beetles. And come to think of it, that's not even how you spell beetles! What's with that?! So, unfortunately, I'm not old enough to drink so I can't sample any of the 200 beers on tap. But do you know what I am able to do? Sneak a drink of industrial strength cleaning agent out of the broom closet. Manager's special, don't tell anyone.
(5) Texas Roadhouse
"Gadzooks man! I get to throw stuff on the floor while I eat gigantic steaks? Did I die from my sleep apnea and not realize it? Am I, at this very moment, in the afterlife and being served and eaten by a race of intergalactic beings that survive by feasting on the pasty dough of my flesh?" That was from my food diary, dating to the first time I ate at the Roadhouse. I soon came out of what I then realized was a Salt Induced Mini-Coma (SIMC). I'm taking medications for it now, so I'll be fine as a cherub's bottom. Especially if I've got a slice of gristle to take the edge off.
(14) Hooters
Um, golly, look at those...um wings and...burgers...my mouth is...so dry...but my dad wears tubesocks and sneakers, how could these pretty girls? I'm so confused...titilated...hungry but..no...ahhh...there it goes, I'm done.
(10) 99 Restaurant
Egads gentlemen, sorry about that last entry, but food and grown-up women? I can't help it. But the 99 is more in my comfort zone. Did you know that the number "99" refers to how many pickles the restaurant must keep in their inventory at all times. The original owner, Danman Castleterry, grew up as a cucumber farmer, often pickling the cukes and selling them as a "Shriveled Danman". Soon, however, Castleterry realized that you can only make so much money off producing only a single crop and had to close up shop. With only an attic full of pickles, he decided to launch a restaurant. At the same time, another restaurant chain opened, called Pub 98. In order to one-up the popular chain, Danman opened the "99 Restaurant" a year later. Pub 98's owner went on to live a life of crippling poverty, dying of apendicitus in a 99 parking lot.
There are 99 reasons to come back for more, but March Fatness only needed one. The local favs take 42% of the vote and win the Chain Restaurants region! Congratulations 99!
There are 99 reasons to come back for more, but March Fatness only needed one. The local favs take 42% of the vote and win the Chain Restaurants region! Congratulations 99!
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